Professor Snape's Tedious and Boring Essays
by TheBeanMonster
Summary: Professor Snape's tedious and boring essays and why I refuse to write another one, an essay by Harry Potter. A few mild spoilers from PoA and OOTP but that is all.
1. An Essay

Essays are generally my forte. This, however, is a fictional essay, which is something I have never written before. I thought the idea was amusing though.

I own nothing but the essay, even if it has Harry's name on it.

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Harry Potter Fifth Year Potions Class A_

**ESSAY: The correct composition of a Strengthening Solution and its uses in Potions making. **_(I refuse to write another one of your dumb, tedious and boring essays so I have written my own on a topic of my choice)._

**ESSAY:** Professor Snape's tedious and boring essays and why I refuse to write another one.

_Professor Snape, Potions Master and Slytherin Head of House at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has been known to set tedious essays on difficult subjects - including the properties of moonstone and its uses in potion making, the various antidotes for venoms, and, most recently, the correct composition of a strengthening solution and why I went wrong - for the past fourteen years of his teaching career. Having unfortunately had Professor Snape as a Potions teacher for five of these years I have been required to write a number of these essays and more, none of which has ever been rewarded a decent mark. There are many reasons as to why I have never recieved a good mark, but due to the fact that there are far too many reasons to even count I will only be explaining a select few of them._

_Before I begin, I will like to introduce Professor Snape. Professor Snape, as previously stated, is the rather unpleasant Potions Master and Slytherin Head of House at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He also holds the record for being the students' most disliked teacher (past and current Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers who I will not mention (ie. Professor Lockhart, Professor Umbridge) do not count). His abnormally pale skin, lank, greasy hair, tall and sickly thin frame, and overall bat-like appearance may well be a result of his residency in the castle dungeons for fourteen years. Due to the fact that he has resided in the castle dungeons for such a long time, Professor Snape has also aquired a constant bad mood which he makes no attempt to hide. Infact, his constant moodiness is taken out on students who do not belong to Slytherin (ie. Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws and, most commonly, Gryffindors) in the form of snide remarks, low class results and unexplained detentions._

_I, Harry Potter, have been a victim of Professor Snape's snide remarks, low class results and unexplained detentions for the past five years. From the moment I walked through the doors of his dungeon classroom I have been his favourite student to pick on. Professor Snape has never missed an opportunity to slip in a snide, often sarcastic, remark aimed at me during his classes and sometimes in between classes. He finds amusement in comparing me to my father, who he constantly describes as being "arrogant" and "good-for-nothing" and has also made accusations that he strutted about the castle as if he were some sort of god-like being aswell as being a rule-breaker. Because there have been too many incidents where he has made uncalled-for, snide remarks about my father, I cannot provide any examples, but you get the idea. All this negativity towards me comes from a grudge that Professor Snape held against my father in their years at Hogwarts, which involved something along the lines of Professor Snape being in the centre of a prank that was organised by my father, godfather and their friends and my father saved his life. However, I am completely confused as to why this is my fault and why all of Professor Snape's negativity should be aimed at me__. My guess is that Professor Snape was simply jelous of my father and feels that, now my father is dead, I need to suffer, which is something I find quite unfair as I am completely defenceless and cannot say anything back to him else it would land me in a months worth of detentions. His constant, unfriendly and uncalled-for remarks about my father have pushed me to the point where I really don't feel the need to write another tedious essay about another tedious subject because no matter how well-researched it is, how well-written it is or how well-presented it is, I will still be rewarded a less than satisfactory result. I personally think Professor Snape should just get over it._

_While Professor Snape finds a great deal of amusement in tormenting me about my father, I have never heard him say a word against my mother. I have come to a few conclusions that Professor Snape either did not know my mother, was friends with my mother, or, God forbid, was in love with my mother. I prefer the first two conclusions to the last even though the first is highly unlikely since they went to Hogwarts together and the second is just as bad as the third. I find it strange that Professor Snape, who quite obviously knew and hated my father, has never said a single word against, or even about, my mother. I believe the question now would be why this bothers me so much that I refuse to write another tedious essay for Professor Snape. The reason why I refuse to write another tedious essay for Professor Snape is because this mystery about my mother may just as well be another grudge that I know nothing about which he could use against me in the form of low results and another brand new never-before-heard set of sarcastic and down-right mean remarks about my mother. Even though I am actually quite interested to know what Professor Snape has to say about my mother, I would prefer it to come up in a more civilised conversation (which is highly unlikely since any so-called conversations between Professor Snape and I are less than civilised and more than often land me in some sort of detention)._

_The final reason for why I refuse to write another tedious essay for Professor Snape is simply because I am supposedly not that great at Potions, according to a stupid Potions Master who will remain nameless for now. Why would I put myself through writing another tedious, boring and long essay about a tedious and boring subject if I am really not at all that good at Potions? It would be, to put it simply, a waste of my time. Being bad at a subject is one thing, but then to actually try for something I know I will never get because of this hate-hate relationship I have with my teacher is just plain stupid. He knows this as well as I do. I am better off spending my time playing Exploding Snap or Gobstones than writing an essay about something I am supposedly not good at and something that I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever. Personally, I think even Professor Binns' History of Magic essays are far more interesting and less tedious than stupid Professor Snape's stupid Potions ones. _

_To conclude, Professor Snape can deal with the fact that I don't want to write another one of his stupid, tedious and extremely boring essays because there is no way he can make me write another one no matter how many detentions he threatens me with (because it doesn't matter now that I've been given a life-long Quidditch ban). Professor Snape, as I said before: get over it. Git._

**MARK: T**

**Potter, I atleast expected even someone like you to complete an essay on a set subject. Clearly I expected too much. This was just the sort of trash I expect your father handed in to his unfortunate teachers. It would be a waste of my time to comment any further on this poor excuse of an essay. I expect you to be in detention every saturday and sunday from 9 am for the next two months, if you do not turn up on time I will triple that amount and force you to write essays under my supervision aswell as show this so-called essay to the Headmaster. ****Git.**

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Reviews would be very much welcome whether you liked it or not. I'd like to know whatever everyone thought about it. 

The reviews so far are fantastic. I might just continue this.


	2. A Letter

**Dear Reviewers** You are super. I love the reviews!

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To Professor Severus Snape

The Dungeons

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Britain Somewhere

_To Professor Snape,_

_I am writing to you to apologise for my last essay. You are probably interested to know why I feel obliged to write an apology. My reason behind this sincere apology is because I realised when I read through my last essay, entitled _Professor Snape's tedious and boring essays why I refuse to write another one_, I came across a few errors in my facts._

_I have belief that I wrote you to be the "rather unpleasant" Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when clearly the word 'rather' was not necessary. The word 'rather' should either have been omitted from the text or substituted with the words 'highly', 'very' or 'extremely'. I am geniunely sorry for this terrible mistake._

_In the same paragraph I have written "He also holds the record for being the students' most disliked teacher (past and current Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers who I will not mention (ie. Professor Lockhart, Professor Umbridge) do not count).". This piece of information is not entirely true. To tell you something that is true, I lied. I only said you were the students' most disliked teacher (apart from Professor Lockhart and Professor Umbridge, who, although I did not mention that you were disliked a little less than them, I thought you would get the drift that you were) so you would think you were atleast favoured over other teachers. However, in actual fact more people preferred Professor Lockhart over you (these were mainly girls who thought this, but to be honest, even I preferred him, I mean yes, he did set a cage of pixies loose on the class, but atleast he washed his hair), and I believe even Professor Umbridge is disliked a tiny bit less than you (and when I say tiny, I mean by the opinion of the one person who actually likes you, who I will not name but I believe they answers to 'Malfoy'). I owe you an apology for misinforming you and leading you to believe that you were the students' most disliked teacher (past and current Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers who I will not mention (ie. Professor Lockhart, Professor Umbridge) not included) when you quite obviously are the students' most disliked teacher (past and current Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher who I will not name (ie. Professor Lockhart, Professor Umbridge) included)._

_On the subject of my mother, I do believe I owe you an apology. Why, you ask? Well it seems to have offended you somehow. You didn't leave any remarks about my mother whatsoever in your comment at the end of my essay which leads me to believe that the subject of my mother is something that affects you in some way. My appology for this is in advance because now that you have not said a single word about my mother, but managed to have commented on every other part of my essay, I feel obliged to keep questioning you about her. This, no doubt, will become an annoyance to you over time, which I apologise for. A little bit. Not much. I really don't apologise for this at all because you annoy me all the time._

_I would also like to apologise for saying that your essays are a waste of my time and I would be better of playing Exploding Snap or Gobstones. Again, I lied. Personally, I am not much of a fan of Gobstones. I would much rather play chess than write one of your dumb essays because I am far better at playing chess than I am at Potions. Perhaps if you gave me an essay about chess I may complete it (not that you'd know anything about chess though so you wouldn't actually be able to mark it)._

_I _would_ apologise for the fair amount of sarcasm that I used in my essay, however I _won't_ be doing so due to the fact that it must have been something I learnt from you over the years (atleast I learnt _something_) because of your problem with using large amounts of sarcasm with pretty much anything you say to me. If I were to appologise for using sarcasm it would be like me apologising for one of your mistakes, which, like writing tedious and boring essays, is something else I refuse to do. Therefore, this entire paragraph was a waste of my time writing and your time reading (which, quite frankly, I am not sorry about at all because you seem to have a nasty habit of wasting alot of my time)._

_Again, I would like to send you my deepest and most sincere (and, in some cases, sarcastic) apologies for any errors I may have made and misguided information I may have given you._

_Sincerely,_

_Harry Potter._

_-_

**Mr Harry Potter**

**Gryffindor Common Room**

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

**Britain Somewhere**

**MARK: T**

**Potter,**

**Your sincere apology is not accepted. This is a poor excuse of an apology if I ever saw one. No doubt you inherrited your apologising skills off your father.**

**Detention is now tripled.**

**Professor Snape.**

**P.S. I happen to know quite alot about chess and I will take your essay request into consideration. Four rolls of parchment about the history and rules of chess in the Muggle and Wizarding worlds presented in the form of a report. You will be marked for this.**

**-**

To Professor Severus Snape

The Dungeons

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Britain Somewhere

_To Professor Snape,_

_Are you honestly that stupid? You can't grade a letter of apology._

_Idiot._

_Hate,_

_Harry Potter._

_P.S. So how _did_ you know my mother?_

_-_

**Mr Harry Potter**

**Gryffindor Common Room**

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

**Britain Somewhere**

**Potter,**

**You will hand that report in on Monday or detention will be tripled again.**

**Professor Snape.**

-

To Professor Severus Snape

The Dungeons

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Britain Somewhere

_To Professor Snape,_

_Still not talking about my mother..._

_Hate,_

_Harry Potter._

_-_

**Mr Harry Potter**

**Gryffindor Common Room**

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

**Britain Somewhere**

**Potter,**

**DETENTION TRIPLED. Report is now due on Sunday when you arrive for detention.**

**Professor Snape.**

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This will not be continued. I don't have time to write fan fiction.

Sorry :(

Harry ended up skipping detention (because that's what Harry does) and wrote a report about how much the students and staff all hate Snape. Fred and George Weasley got a hold of the report, made 430687602346 copies of it and wallpapered the Entrance Hall with them. Snape got angry, had a sook to Dumbledore about it, Dumbledore laughed at the report and said something along the lines of how Harry has a great sense of humour and then Snape got even angrier and failed Harry on his next test and the next day everything was back to normal.


End file.
